12 Accountants Bookkeeping Joke

by TOM MACARTHUR
(SAGINAW MI)

12 Accountants

Q: What do you call 12 accountants at the bottom of the ocean?


A: A good start!

3 Types Of Accountants Bookkeeping Joke

(California)

Types Of Accountants

There are three types of accountants..

Those who can count and those who can't.

Accountant Boarding Train Bookkeeping Joke

(California, USA)

Accountant Boarding Train

Q: What does an accountant say when boarding a train?

A: Mind the GAAP.

Accountant Pay Raise Bookkeeping Joke

by Diane
(USA)

Accountant Pay Raise

What does an accountant tell his co-worker when he asked for a raise in pay?

Kiss my @$$

Accountants And Light Bulbs Bookkeeping Joke

Accountants and Light Bulbs

Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How much money do you have?

Accountants Copper Wire Bookkeeping Joke

by Tom
(Omaha, NE)

Accountants Copper Wire

Q: Did you know that accountants invented copper wire?

A: Two of them were fighting over a penny.

Accountants Deep Down Bookkeeping Joke

Accountants Deep Down

Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?

A: They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.

Accountants vs Vampires Bookkeeping Joke

Accountants vs Vampires

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a vampire?

A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Auditor Crossing The Road Bookkeeping Joke

by Duncan Meredith

Why did the Auditor cross the road?

*that's an English joke - but not my actual joke, which is:

"Why did the auditor cross the road?

Cos he did it last year..."

(& just in case...there are a whole load of "Why did the chicken cross the road?" jokes in England)

Cannibal CPA Bookkeeping Joke

(California, USA)

Cannibal CPA

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal CPA?

A: She charges and arm and a leg.

Extroverted Accountant Bookkeeping Joke

by Battleship Bill
(Weston, MA USA)

Extroverted Accountant

Q: How can you tell an extroverted Accountant?

A: When talking with you he looks at YOUR shoes instead of HIS shoes!

Frauditor Bookkeeping Joke

by Akeilah Edwards
(Jamaica)

Frauditor

These groups of accountants were embezzling funds from their company and cooking the books.

So this new Financial Controller comes and started to suspect the fraud.

He went to the director and said I think it's time for an audit.

When the auditors came and was fishing around the financial controller was sure the accountants would get caught.

The auditors left a great report. So, the FC goes to the accountants and said...

I know you are committing fraud, how can the auditors not see that and I did.

The accountants replied and said we gave them a raise in their cut.

Homeless Accountant Bookkeeping Joke

(United States)

Homeless Accountant

Q: Where do homeless accountants live?

A: In a tax shelter.

IRS Audit Red Flag Jay Leno Bookkeeping Joke

IRS Audit Red Flag

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for.

For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."

- Jay Leno

Politicians Bookkeeping Joke

Politicians

While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St . Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning." "Today you voted."

Professional Descriptions Bookkeeping Joke

Professional Descriptions

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job description responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

Resume Bloopers Bookkeeping Joke

by Anna
(New York)

Resume Bloopers

Here are some resume bloopers taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Skydiving Accountants Bookkeeping Joke

by TOM MACARTHUR
(SAGINAW MI)

Skydiving Accountants

Q: What do you call 12 accountants skydiving??

A: SKEET!

Socializing Accountant Bookkeeping Joke

Socializing Accountant

Q: What do you call an accountant talking to someone in a social setting?

A: Popular

The Secret Bookkeeping Joke

by Sharon
(Austin, Texas)

The Secret

I worked for an accountant for some time when I noticed that sometimes when he was working on a spreadsheet he would sigh deeply, then open his top drawer and stare into it for a moment, smile then return to work.

One day, overwhelmed with curiousity, I snuck into his office to peek into the drawer. There, written in his mentor's handwriting, was the note: "Debits go on the side closest to the window."

Who Loves Work Bookkeeping Joke

by Mike
(Westport ma usa)

Who Loves Work?

Q: What is the difference between my job and a deceased hooker?

A: My job still sucks..

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